Vote Thrawn - the Chiss Alternative
But if the Chiss did do elections, Grand Admiral Thrawn's bid to lead the galaxy far, far away might have included a manifesto something like the one below. This post is a parody, not an election communication and no attempt to influence any real election on the planet Earth is intended.
- Fed up with a choice of galactic leaders between psychopathic Imperial mass murderers and utterly ineffective soggy-liberal New Republic wimps?
- Had enough of politicians who promise you a safe and secure society and then get your entire planet blown up - or even blow it up themselves?
- Sick to death with incompetent senators who wouldn't know a security threat if it was aiming a turbolaser at them from six feet away?
There is an alternative - the Chiss alternative - vote for Admiral Thrawn!
My name is Mitth'raw'nuruodo - former Senior Captain in the Chiss Expansionary Defence Fleet, Grand Admiral in the Imperial Navy.
Others have promised a safe and secure galaxy.
I will actually deliver it.
I understand that some of those reading this blog may come from a world known as Terra, Sol III, or simply Earth. On that planet a large number of nations, federations, unions and states, including India, the European Union, France, the United Kingdom and the United States of America have held, are currently holding, or will hold elections this year.
I'm told that voters in some of these countries, particularly the United States of America, have not been inspired by the choice of candidates on offer.
Well, spare a thought to the citizens of a galaxy far, far away where the choice of leaders is even worse. So much so that Robert Conquest's Third law of Politics is often literally true here.
I was once sent by the Chiss to investigate an enormous conflict raging beyond our borders. It was known as the Clone Wars because one side's Grand Army was mostly composed of clone troopers. Years later I eventually discovered that the two opposing sides, the Republic and the Separatists, really had been controlled by the same secret cabal whose invidious plan was to bleed both sides white while accumulating power, then crush the Separatists, murder all the Jedi (even little kids,) and replace the Republic. Meanwhile the ordinary people of the galaxy suffered.
My people, the Chiss, needed powerful allies we could trust - but neither the Republic nor the Separatists met that test.
Never trust a Jedi or a Sith.
Even apparently reasonable force users like my friend Jedi general Anakin Skywalker can't be trusted not to metamorphose into genocidal maniacs. When I first met this great warrior he wore loose garments permitting free movement, showed his face, and although he was a bit impulsive, strong-willed and not the greatest listener, he could usually be reasoned with.
When I next met him, he was covered from head to foot in black armour, used another name and was as dangerous to those under his own command as he was to the enemy. He would appoint himself judge, jury and executioner, killing some luckless scapegoat by strangling them with his mind whenever we hit the slightest problem. The difficulty I had persuading him not to do the same thing to the men and women under my command and protection you wouldn't believe.
New Republic senators are no better.
The New Republic "leadership" seems to be engaged in a constant power struggle. On the one hand you have out-of-control Twilek generals who can't obey orders to save their lives, don't understand my crusade to save the galaxy from deadly invaders and wish to stop me, along with a few poorly trained Jedi ronin who don't understand how to use their own powers. They are constantly head-butting with soggy liberal senators who don't understand anything.
If you get attacked by pirates or invaders, don't expect any help from the New Republic or the Jedi - they'll hang you out to dry. No New Republic ships will come to your aid. If you're very lucky indeed they may tip the wink to a motley assortment of former Death Watch terrorists, unemployed bounty hunters and Mandalorian religious fanatics who might just come and save you on an idealistic whim or in exchange for some of your best land.
If you're both lucky and rich, you might be able to hire a mercenary fleet to defend your planet - which could work for a while until they go off with the same former Death Watch terrorists, bounty hunters and Mandalorian religious extremists to try to retake Mandalore.
If you want reliable protection, you need something better.
Defending the Galaxy
The galaxy faces a number of extremely dangerous threats, which neither the New Republic nor most Imperials know a thing about. Worse, these guys do not understand defence or deterrence.
Neither the New Republic nor most Imperials have any idea how to nip potential threats in the bud before they get too dangerous and prevent them from building up to a real danger. All too often both corrupt Moffs and incompetent Senators are liable to obstruct or make active enemies of those who could have been useful assets while ignoring the real threats.
I confidently predict that within a generation the New Republic will fall. If another ridiculous plot device is used to stop me from overthrowing the New Republic myself and replacing it with a new and less corrupt Empire, the citizens of the galaxy will have grounds to regret that when they meet a far worse fate. As it'll probably fall instead to the kind of unhinged power-crazed Sith Supreme Leader or Imperial Moff who blows planets up.
My manifesto for a safer galaxy
- End military research on superweapons designed to blow up planets.
True warriors despise such monstrosities which only sow fear and hatred, leave you nothing but cinders as the spoils of victory if you win, and are a menace to everyone if they fall into the hands of some Sith psychopath or Grysk mind-controlling invader.
- Research genuine war winning technology like the Tie Defender instead
If the Emperor had listened to me instead of that fool Krennic and mass produced Morgan Elspeth's design for the TIE Defender, the best fighter-bomber in the history of the galaxy, instead of diverting resources to the ridiculous project Stardust to build a death star, the galaxy would have been spared years of chaos and billions of people would have been spared their lives.
Had the Imperial navy been equipped with TIE Defenders, even ludicrous plot twists like space whales taking me to another galaxy would not have saved the Rebellion from being taken apart piece by piece. Billions of people on Alderaan killed by the Death Star, millions of people killed on the two death stars, and milllions more who died in years of chaos and civil war would still be alive.
- A Triple lock plus pension plan for Republic and Imperial veterans
I will implement a proper retirement plan for former Clone Troopers and Stormtroopers alike - if I have to use Dathomiri magic to bring them back from the dead to do it.
- End discrimination against near-humans, non-humans and outer rim residents
Whether it is discrimination against those from different races, against those without a Coruscant accent, or those who previously served on the "wrong" side, it is time to end the policies which stopped Empire and Republic alike making best use of their most talented people.
For a genuinely safer galaxy
Vote Thrawn - the Chiss Alternative
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